Keeping It Real

Happy Thursday my friends.  Unfortunately, this is going to be one of those posts and if you aren't into reading a debbie downer today, then you might want to move along to a different sunshiney blogger as I am just in a funk that I can't seem to get out of.  You know, I've never been a fake person, but I will admit there are a lot of things that I don't choose to post on my blog for privacy reasons.  And also, because I know there are a lot of others out there who are suffering in some form or fashion much more than I am and it doesn't seem right to moan and complain about my life when they have it really tough.  However, the last 2 weeks have just about completely taken it's toll on me and I am struggling.....alot.  I am very, very sad as of late and can't shake it no matter what I've tried.

The move back to Arkansas was THE RIGHT thing to do.  Me, hubby and the kids are more thrilled than I could ever imagine about actually being HOME where our hearts have always been.  And granted, we've had some tough times just getting re-acclamated to things - like "the Arkansas HEAT".  107 degrees actual air temperature is hard to adjust to no matter what part of the world you are in - that is just downright H-O-T!!!

Anyway, I started a new job about 2 weeks ago and it's going great.  However, since it's been 6 years since I've been involved in Arkansas law - I am having to re-learn everything about it - which is causing me major stress.  The people, attorneys and firm in general are wonderful to work with and very patient and understanding about helping me re-learn things.  But, there are days that I feel completely overwhelmed at work and find myself tearing up for no reason.  Maybe it's me being too hard on myself and expecting myself to know more than I do and remember more than I do in these last 2 weeks - I don't know.  Or maybe it has to do with the stuff going on at home that I just can't "fix" that is causing me more anxiety and stress than the new job is.  Truth is, I just don't know.  My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now and it scares me tremendously.  He has always been my rock and person I could count on at all times, but my faith in him and our marriage has been completely shaken recently and I just don't know how to overcome it. 

We've always talked about everything, so we are communicating a lot - and I feel like we had a nice breakthrough this past weekend.  But everytime I think we are okay - something happens to set one of us off and things seem to just revert back to the fights, arguments and more tears.  He and I both want the same thing out of our marriage - but after almost 14 years - it's so hard to see past tomorrow.  I worry constantly now about us and our family and wonder if we will even make it to see our 14th wedding anniversary.  I have a lot of blogs that I read daily and some of them seem to have the perfect life in every single way - which makes me tremendously jealous and envious of late. And if you know me at all, you know that I am not a jealous person in any sense of the word.  The sad thing is that these people that I am referring to who seem to "have it all" - also have their struggles daily as well - whether it be longing for a child, a death in the family, loss of a child, etc. but somehow really seem to work through it and get to the other side - together and stronger.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever see the other side again and go back to being the laid back, happy go lucky person that I used to be.  I miss "me" - not the mom, wife, daughter, sister, etc... but the "real" me. 

So... again, please forgive me for the debbie downer post today.  I know it is not the "norm" for me and I hope that you will just be understanding and realize that I am hurting a lot and just need a break in some form.  Ever since we've moved home I've been trying to get back into my blogging and catching up and posting comments on all of your blogs as I've really missed being able to blog daily.  However, if I don't comment but sporatically here and there for a while - please know that it's just my mind is pre-occupied elsewhere. 

Thanks for reading, if you got this far.  Also, if you could find time to add me and my family to your prayer list - that would be helpful and greatly appreciated.  It's a good thing I believe in God and know that he will help us through this difficult time as long as we continue to have faith in him.  The problem is... just believing in my heart that we WILL get through this.  Again.... just keeping it real.

Thanks for stopping by and have a great day.

Lots of love and hugs,